Life Lessons With Lina

Actually, I have a lot of things to post!

  First! (And obviously the most exciting!) 

      I’m writing a book! (And no, I don’t mean I’m saying I’m writing a book and just forgetting that I ever said I would halfway through like I did last year…I really mean it this time!) I’m a little over 8,000 words in and I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to get to the end of this thing. One thing I do know is, that over the past two years of roleplaying online…I’ve probably written enough to make up a book, so why not?!

   Second! (Just as obviously exciting as the first!)

        I’ve recently adopted the wonderful and superbly suited for EVERYONE : Thirty Second Dance Party!

   Think about it, anything good happen lately? Anything you’re super proud of? Need to pee really bad but have to wait for the bathroom? Did you get free chocolate? Or better yet, did you get LOTS of free chocolate?

    THIRTY SECOND DANCE PARTY!

      Third! (I really like counting!)

          Today is karaoke day! 

     Fourth! (Crafty, I tell you…crafty!)

          I have enough yarn to hang cthulu! I’m knitting a giant afghan blanket thing for all of the puppies to sprawl on! 

            That’s it!

• Question: Soooo how does it feel to be one useless, unemployed tub of lard lighter in your life? - Anonymous
• Answer:

  Actually, it feels rockstar. I don’t mean the booze fueled drugfest that makes you look like Charlie Sheen on a Sunday…I mean it makes me feel like I have INFINITE FREE TIME and can DO WHATEVER I WANT more often than not. I have a greater range of creativity and pretty much have the ability to come up with anything…There’s a reason I have ALL THE SELF ESTEEM IN THE WORLD more often than not lately…because I’m that fantastic and I know it. 

  So I’ve been on vacation this past week! I went to pennsic! I had a fantastic time and wish so very much that the time I spent there would never end!

  I haven’t felt that welcome and that accepted in ages! On top of that, I haven’t felt this social in years! I like people again! I actually want to be around them and talk to them and am not inclined to mentally murder them when they speak!

  I earned a nickname!

  I earned an award for doing NOTHING!

  I made new friends!

  I got egregiously drunk!

  I have the SPOILS OF WAR! (I went shopping :p)

  I was ‘kidnapped’!!!

  I was propositioned by a tin hat! (royal) 

  I went mudding in a golfcart and it popped a wheelie!

   And so much more!

 Anyway…Boyfriend and I won an award for sitting in camp and eating the food and drinking the booze! I felt like perfection!

 Also, as soon as I realized it was time to go home I had the most shocked look on my face…it all went by so fast!

There’s nothing quite like realizing just how little you mean to someone…when the way they speak to you now is so completely different than when they spoke to you when you first met. The feeling that overwhelms you is indescribable and to be honest, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone no matter who they were or how much I may or may not dislike them. 

   When you go from feeling secure and cherished in your friendship to feeling like less than an afterthought; it’s a crushing feeling. Personally, I still feel hollow inside and like I’m worth nothing. This is how much the friendship meant to me…I placed too much importance on what this person thought and am only just now pulling my head from the sand and picking up the pieces of that travesty. 

   I felt and still feel worthless despite the many many friends and family I have around me who all care and try their best to make me feel like I mean the world to them. I’ve had days to get over this…in fact, I’ve had weeks to get over this. I’ve been given so many pep talks and hugs and pity parties that it’s ridiculous. I gave myself a whopping heap of self-pity and nearly over-dosed on it. 

     Even now, when I know what happened and where everything went wrong, I still cry…I still feel like I should have done better and the whole point is that I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Mentally…I’m fine, I know I’m not worthless and I mean the world to a lot of people. Emotionally, I feel like a wreck and I feel so completely exhausted that I can’t even imagine being happy again. 

     I saw something on my friend’s profile in Skype that seems to fit the way I feel perfectly…and to be honest it did make me feel a bit better for a minute or two…and then I remembered that I was only good enough to laugh at for someone who really did mean the world for me.

    this is what happens when you give someone too much importance in your life before finding out who they really are and what you look like to them. 

They’ve Promised that dreams can come true- but forgot that nightmares are dreams too. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3D5FwwtNVM

     Have you ever thought that if you simply go through the motions of your life..and your usual conversations, you’ll just get back in to the swing of things and you’ll eventually re-learn to be yourself? I suppose this would be easier to apply if you’ve ever felt like you wanted to die…or at least like you didn’t have anything else to look forward to. 

  I don’t believe I’m suicidal…mainly because i’m lazy. I couldn’t really be bothered to go through the steps of planning said suicide, and writing a note and all that jazz…

   Anyway, I thought this…that I could simply swing back in to my life and carry on like nothing happened…like I hadn’t seriously considered how many pills it would take to actually end my life. This was a ridiculous assumption and I’m not writing this to garner attention…I’m writing this because I need to process…I need to try and understand. 

    Feeling like you want to die isn’t normal, and feeling so depressed that you actually consider planning your own death isn’t normal either. So, when you step back from that…when you revert back to thinking and feeling in your normal comfort zones…they aren’t so comfortable anymore. 

   I don’t actively think about it…I just feel less comfortable in my own skin now because of this…I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be the same again…if at any point I’ll reach the same height of emotions and desperation that led me to this before. 

   Anyway, I don’t really think anyone can reach the point where they just feel perfectly normal again…and they don’t at least sometimes remember their lowest points. So how exactly do you keep going and not be changed for the worse?

I spend almost all of my time in one room of one house…mostly alone. 

   This is, to a certain extent…my own doing. I am not a social creature and I am very uncomfortable in most situations involving people. What makes this worse is that I do at some times feel completely and incandescently happy…but then I crash hard because I don’t like people, can’t put up with them, and can’t carry on the people skills required to deal with them. 

  Also…I have huge self-esteem issues. I’d by lying if I said I didn’t feel horribly ugly because I’m overweight and have fugly teeth and cut my hair super short. (note: my hair was the only girly thing about me.) I have issues with what I look like and when I try to make myself look better I get so fixated on food it’s ridiculous. I went on a diet for four weeks and the whole four weeks I thought of food so often I thought I was just obsessing. I eventually caved and just started eating everything under the sun again. 

   Anyway…I hide. I hide and I spend a lot of time behind a computer screen talking to other people who hide behind computer screens and we all kind of live our lives that way. 

 The biggest problem with this is the problem I have encountered on a regular basis. Give it enough time and it wears everybody down. Ask anyone who lives behind a computer the way I do and they’ll agree with me. 

   Every few months…five or six or seven…you have a huge breakdown. You flip your potato chips and you go nuclear. Some people react rationally and do the mature thing. Other people (namely me) go off the deep end and burn bridges by being super ultra needy and clingy and a lot of things people don’t like. 

    This time was slightly different. I was still clingy and needy and ultra annoying…but only to a couple people. When they reacted like any normal and sane person would (example? Ignoring me.) I got depressed…at least that’s what I assume is the reason I ended up spending almost five days in bed straight. I didn’t get up unless I absolutely had to. 

   I’m sure there are other factors that played in to this…but I legit full on was alone the entire time…didn’t see another person. 

   So am I any closer to an explanation as to why I just checked out of ok-land and bought a one-way ticket to apeshitsville? 

   Not really…but at least I’m trying. 

I don’t regret anything…I just wish for a better outcome and a second chance. 

  This post is going to be hella vague and make no sense to anyone. So right now I’d like to simply say that it doesn’t apply to anyone, I promise you that if you’re reading this post the chances of it being about you are so slim they’re non-existent. 

 That being said…

  I’m sorry that I upset you, and I’m sorry that you can accept that I’m sorry, but can’t give me a second chance over what is admittedly something that should be common sense..is also a very minor thing according to just about everyone I could ever talk to about this. Am I trying to mitigate what I did? No, but I am trying to remember that on the larger scale of everything…this is forgetting a lunch date as opposed to mass genocide. 

    I lost your respect, which hurts, the difference with which you treat me now as opposed to how you treated me two weeks ago is very different and is so marked that it is impossible to not notice. I miss what we were in the beginning. I miss what we were all the way up until the end of our friendship…I’ll always miss that. 

   I will never profess to having intelligence or knowledge that I don’t…I’m not clever enough to know what to do in order to win your respect back…much less your interest in being my friend. I can admit to feeling like I’ve lost something so ridiculously important that I don’t think I’ll remember how to breathe without it. 

     I need time…time to try and earn something back…and only you can give that to me. You’ll never see this, you’ll never know how I feel but that’s still okay because at the end of the day…I can’t change your mind, only you can. I can only do my best and hope that I don’t ruin everything by trying. 

   So I will miss you, because I don’t expect you to ever talk to me again…I will miss you and remember you and know that the short time I did spend with you was very important to me…and always will be. I will cherish every moment and do my best to remember all of the joy I gained from knowing you and forget how much I’ve cried…how much I’ve felt my heart break just from knowing you. 

  I told you once that I should have worn my safety helmet…and would do that from now on. You replied with an explanation as to why I should never wear one…I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can ever take that helmet off again…I ran with scissors when I met you…I jumped off of a tall building and didn’t bother wearing a parachute. 

     In a few days I’ll feel better…in a few weeks I’ll feel okay again…in a few months I might even forget how empty my life feels without you. In a year I might not even remember how much you meant to me…but then again, it took you less than a day to figure me out…so who knows, I may never find another friend like you.  

I’ll be perfectly honest and mention right now that I never ever expected to feel completely and ridiculously sad for no reason at all. 

 But I do. 

   In fact, I didn’t want to get out of bed today, or yesterday…or the day before that. I’ve just literally wanted to stay in bed and sleep and never get up again. I still don’t want to…I just want to stay in bed and waste away. (granted, that would take forever and involve a lot of bed-sores) Still, the most I’ve managed to accomplish was moving from the bed to the computer chair…a whopping four steps. 

     I wish I had some amusing picture to place in here or something…at least some reason to pinpoint so I can move on…but I don’t. I just feel fucking awful and the thought of moving, of going and doing stuff seems so painful that I start crying at the thought of actually doing anything that involves getting off the bed. 

   So if you send me a message and I don’t respond…it’s not that I hate you…it’s just the thought of moving and getting up and typing makes me cry…literally. 

     There is no upside to this post…there’s not quirky silver lining or funny and witty catchphrase at the end…there’s just me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it and move on…I need to get over this and fast…it’s not helping anything or anyone.